just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
