I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you win again, gameday.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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