I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
