we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
