Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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