i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
