Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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