haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
