my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
