What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
