I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
