I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
