"it" just moved
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
