omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
