I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
