i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
