this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
