hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
