i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Send help, water and tortillas.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
