found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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