i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
