Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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