Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
