i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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