I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
