sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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