after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
