Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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