dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
