I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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