I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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