Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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