u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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