I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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