So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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