im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Never underestimate the power of titties
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
