when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
