My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
