Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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