I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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