Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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