it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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