All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
