Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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