I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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