I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
