My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
