I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
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