Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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