this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
