now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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